Branding Gone Wild: If It Doesn’t Move, Put “Trump” On It
Source: Silizon Bay Partners’ with assistance from ChatGPT
Photo: ChatGPT
There are entrepreneurs who build brands.
There are celebrities who license brands.
And then there’s Donald Trump, who looked at the English language and apparently thought, “Needs more Trump.”
The Trump brand has appeared on buildings, steaks, water, vodka, airlines, universities, board games, magazines, casinos, cologne, mattresses, ties, sneakers, Bibles, NFTs, guitars, cryptocurrencies, and enough gold-colored merchandise to keep an entire polishing industry employed.
If there were a solar eclipse, someone would probably ask whether Trump Eclipse™ Protective Glasses were available.
The Trump Branding Strategy
Most companies ask, “Does this product fit our brand?” The Trump Organization has historically asked a different question:
“Is there enough empty space to fit the word ‘TRUMP’?”
Luxury hotel? Trump.
Golf course? Trump.
Wine? Trump.
Chocolate? Why not?
If tomorrow NASA announced a mission to Mars, somewhere a marketing consultant would quietly whisper:
“Have we explored Trump Mars?”
The Kennedy Center…Now With More Trump
One of the nation’s premier cultural institutions wasn’t spared from the gravitational pull of personal branding.
After becoming chairman of the Kennedy Center board, Trump proposed renaming its prestigious annual honors after himself.
For decades, recipients aspired to receive the Kennedy Center Honors.
Imagine instead:
The Donald J. Trump Center Honors.
Nothing says celebrating lifetime artistic achievement quite like replacing John F. Kennedy’s name with your own.
One imagines Shakespeare rolling over in his grave while humming “Hail to the Chief.”
The $1,000 Baby Account
Then came one of Washington’s more unusual proposals: government-funded investment accounts for newborns, seeded with $1,000.
Supporters viewed the proposal as encouraging long-term savings. Critics debated the costs and design.
Satirists immediately wondered:
Would babies receive:
Trump Baby Bucks™?
MAGA Money™?
Tiny gold debit cards?
Their first tax audit before learning to crawl?
Parents have spent generations arguing over college savings plans.
Now imagine explaining to your toddler:
“Honey, before you could say ‘mama,’ Congress deposited $1,000 in your investment account. You’re welcome.”
Nothing says “Welcome to America” quite like receiving a brokerage account before your first diaper change.
A Brief History of Putting “Trump” on Literally Everything
Some branding efforts became famous. Others became cautionary tales. Among the products and ventures bearing the
Trump name:
Trump Tower
Trump Hotels
Trump Casinos
Trump Golf
Trump Shuttle
Trump Vodka
Trump Steaks
Trump Ice bottled water
Trump University
Trump Mortgage
Trump Magazine
Trump Home furniture
Trump Mattress
Trump Winery
Trump Fragrances
Trump Watches
Trump Sneakers
Trump Bibles
Trump NFTs
Trump Guitars
Trump Coins
Trump Crypto ventures
At this point, collectors don’t ask, “What did Trump sell?” They ask, “What didn’t Trump sell?”
What’s Next?
If history is any guide, the possibilities remain endless.
Perhaps:
Trump Oxygen™ — “Now 20% More Patriotic.”
Trump Umbrellas — “They only open when polls improve.”
Trump GPS — “You’re never lost. Everyone else is.”
Trump Tampons — “For those difficult political cycles.”
Trump Eclipse Insurance — “The Sun Was Rigged.”
The Final Brand Extension
Some presidents leave behind libraries. Others leave landmark legislation.
Donald Trump may eventually leave behind something else entirely:
A licensing portfolio so extensive that archaeologists thousands of years from now may conclude America had only one major export:
Putting one man’s last name on absolutely everything.
After all, if there’s one thing Americans have learned over the past decade, it’s this:
There are products. There are brands. And then there are products patiently waiting for someone to ask,
“Have we tried putting ‘Trump’ on it?”